Louis XIV

On May 25 , 2024 Queen Elizabeth the II of England will become the longest serving European monarch ever by passing today’s  honoree King Louis the XIV of France.

XIV, the quintessetial absolute monarch, was a trendsetter. To hide his short stature and accentute his shapely calves, XIV wore  high heeled boots which became all the rage with the fashionable European males.  The popularization of the necktie is also attributed to XIV.

XIV suffered from  an anal fistula, which required surgery. The Royal Barber had never performed the surgery before, so he practiced on the peasantry, only a few died. On  November 18, 1686, in the presence of  his Mistress and most trusted advisers  XIV underwent this surgery. It was a success! So much so that many members of court also had the surgery, even some who didn’t need it. King Louis XIV: trendsetter.

Sun King!

For more information, on the Sun King Louis XIV consult your local library or watch an episode of Fox’s hit series from the mid 90’s based on his life: Life with Louie.

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White Fat Guy History 2012!

Today is April 1st, the first day of White Fat Guy History Month!  And as always we begin our celebration with an egg and onion sandwich and a discussion about St. Thomas Aquinas.  So go make an egg and onion sandwich  for yourself while I finish typing the  following story about St. Thomas Aquinas:

St. Thomas was a good friend and trusted advisor to King Louis IX of France. One day St. Tom was summoned to Paris and on the  way there a fellow traveler  said upon seeing  Paris: ” What a grand place some great man must rule it.” To which Aquinas replied ” I would rather have that manuscript by John Chrysostom I haven’t read yet.” Many contemporary philosophers agree that a good book is better than Paris, especially when it comes to smell.    Later at dinner, St. Thomas sat silently for most of the meal staring into space, then he suddenly bashes his fist on the table and says “And that settles the Manichaeans!” To clarify, The Manichaeans were a cult that Aquinas frequently debated that believed that  believed that goodness could be attained by strict discipline: avoiding evil things like  owning property, sexual desire and eating meat. To this day you may order dessert in any Parisian cafe  by shouting that phrase (citation needed.)

King Lois: "How do you know that that settles the Manichees?" Aquinas: " A little Birdy told me"

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Classic WFGHM April 27th 2008

A group for anyone who appreciates the achievements of White Fat Guys!

White Fat Guy History Month!

April 27!
David Crosby!

This rock and roll hall of fame members was in great bands  such as Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, Crosby and Tennille and The Byrds. While presently still on tour he finds time to raise a family with his wife Melissa Etheridge.
To celebrate: teach your children white fat guy history well.

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Millard Fillmore

April 14th, 2011

Millard Fillmore!

Last Whig President, Most Successful Third Party Candidate ever.

Last week, you did a great job with early 20th century politics, now bear with me as we dive into antebellum politics, The Whigs vs. The Whigs vs. The Democrats .  The Whigs were a political party from 1832 ish til 1854 ish. Their overall platform was modernization (schools, roads, canals)  and territorial expansion  of the United States. The party was started by Henry Clay to oppose Andrew Jackson, particularly over the debate over the national bank and the party died soon after Henry Clay did in 1851.  The Whigs were always an unstable party. They prided themselves on compromise, but there were two main factions in the party those who were complete abolitionist and those who choose to look away for the sake of national unity. Millard Filmore was a member of the latter.

Millard Fillmore began his career as an anti-masonic candidate in the New York Legislature, later becoming a congressman, New York State Comptroller, Founder of the University at Buffalo ,Vice President of the United States and, with the death of Zachary Taylor, President. He was disappointed when he became President because the White House had no books it, so he started the White House library.While Filmore did not support slavery, he did not support things to end it either. While he was vp and president he was a strong supporter of the Compromise of 1850 which  admitted California as a free state but also required all citizens to assist in the capture of runaway slaves.  This compromise was felt buy many to be to much of an acquiescence to the south by many anti-slavery Whigs. Therefore at the Whig Convention for the 1852 election, his party passed him by for Winfield “Old fuss and Feathers” Scott for the nomination, because Scott was more out spoken against slavery. This did the Whig party more harm than good, as it alienated the southern Whigs and as it turned the anti-slavery northerners would not forgive the Whigs for the Compromise of 1850. The Democrats won the election, and Whig party quickly fell apart.

Fillmore ran for president again in 1856 as the candidate for the Know Nothing Party, he ran against Democrat James Buchanan and Republican John Fremont. The platform of this party, if I am may grossly over simplify, was: lets set aside our differences on slavery, can’t we all agree that there a too many Irish running around?  Filmore lost the election but was able to carry the state of Maryland and its 13 electoral votes making him the most successful 3rd party candidate in US history.

To celebrate Millard Filmore today: if your house doesn’t have a library start one. If you already have a library or cannot read well, may I suggest Mallard Fillmore

Fremont, Fillmore, and Buchanan

?

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Socrates?

April 13, 2011

Socrates

Philosopher, Father of Philosophy, Social Gadfly.

What makes Socrates so great? Were there not other philosophers before him? What is a philosopher? Did Socrates find truth?  If his self awareness of ignorance a particularly useful truth? Why is it when Socrates admits he is an idiot he is considered wise, but when I call him an idiot I am called a fool? Does his admission of his ignorance actually make him the wisest man? Does my admission of being unable to ice-skate make me the greatest hockey player?  If questioning things is your method wouldn’t you come up with some very pointed questions when told to drink poison ? Wouldn’t you poision someone who talked like this all the time?

I would

"Ohh good I am so very parched after pleading my case to the citizens of Athens." Grecian Facepalm

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Classic WFGHM April 2, 2008 Meat Loaf

April 2nd 2008. 

Today we honor Meat Loaf! The greatest Rocker ever!

Fact 1! Bat out of Hell is the largest selling Album in Britain Ever!
Fact 2! He has had 17 concussions, take that Steve Young!
Fact 3! He once guest starred on the television show Nash Bridges. 

That is right, Meat Loaf is amazing.

So in honor of Meat Loaf, head to your nearest Wilson Farms and buy a box of Stouffer’s meatloaf, then go home and legally download the album Bat Out of Hell. Put your meatloaf in the oven. Play the album repeatedly until this becomes the happiest day of your life, by this time your meatloaf should be done.

His name is Robert Paulson

The Stouffer’s Website like their products are good for any occasion.

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Tycho Brahe

Tycho Brahe!

Astronomer, Moose Tamer

Hypothetically, you have to go to a friend’s wedding and your spouse gets the stomach flu and has to stay in the hotel room.  You already reserved “the plus one” and you would really like to have someone to talk to at your table during the reception. Fortunately, in the hotel you are staying at there is a convention of reanimated astronomers. Which one do ask to join you for the wedding?

Carl Sagan? Aryabhata? Copernicus? Liu Xin? Aristarchus? Sir Issac Newton? Not only are they boring but they will  insist you will be their wing-man and/or “score them some herb”.  Tycho Brahe may have never figured out the earth revolves around the sun, but he knows how to party.

Examples!

1. He pays a dwarf to entertain him and tell him the future.

2. One wedding he attended, led to a duel where he lost his nose. Therefore:

3.  He has a prosthetic nose for any occasion.

4. He had a tame moose as a drinking buddy.

So pick Tycho if nothing else you get a night of pleasant conversation and a moose ride home. Worst case scenario, you wet your pants, spend the night looking for a missing nose and the moose falls down the stairs… but the dwarf will probably warn you before hand.

Smelling the world through rose colored noses

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The Eighth Wonder of the World

The term eighth wonder of the world has been used to describe many things:  the Grand Canyon, the mountain city of Machu Piccu, The Terracotta Army of Xian, The Great Wall of China, The Taj Mahal, The Empire State Building and King Kong. But, we here at White Fat Guy History apply that title only to Andre the Giant.  “What makes Andre so wondrous?” you ask forgetting you need to suspend disbelief when entering the blogosphere. The answer is obvious, his acting ability.

Point 1. Wrestlemania III, Andre the Giant was actually good friends with Hulk Hogan.

Point 2.  The Princess Bride: Andre could not lift anything over 5lbs at the time yet he is catching princesses and throwing rocks (through through the power of acting.)

not that wonderful

not that wonderful

not that wonderful

Not wonderful at all

Wonderful

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Classic WFGH April 3rd, 2008

April 3rd 2008. 

Behind every good man, there is a great woman. But behind every great man, there is also a large White guy. Today we celebrate White Fat Guy Vice Presidents!

John Adams!
George Clinton!
Richard M. Johnson!
George Dallas!
Millard Fillmore!
Hannibal Hamlin!
Schuyler Colfax!
Chester A. Arthur!
Thomas Hendricks!
Adlai E. Stevenson!
Garret Hobart!
Theodore Roosevelt!
James S. Sherman!
Charles Curtis!
John Nance Garner!
Alben Barkley!
Gerald Ford!
Walter Mondale!
Dick Cheney!

Please note that both Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt both died in office after they went with a svelter Vice President. Coincidence? I think so!

Am I going to find a picture of each individual VP just to prove to you they are fat? No! Am i going to post an artist rendering of what a composit of all white fat Veeps would look like? Yes!

Al Gore is omitted because he was not a White Fat Guy while in office…keep up the depression-related binge eating Al, we may have a spot for you in 2009!

Also note, WFGH has yet to endorse a candidate for 2008. This is for a variety of reasons. 1. None of the Candidates really fit the White Fat Guy Body image. 2. No Candidate has pandered enough to the White Fat Guy Vote. 3. None of them share the same obscure political views as the creator of this group. So WFGH is withholding judgment until VP candidates are selected, hopefully someone will intelligently pick a WFG.

Here are a couple ways you can celebrate WFGHM today:
Write letters to the Offices of Hillary, Obama, and John demanding they select a White Fat Guy for Veep you can find their contact info at www.senate.gov ( don’t say anything you would mind the Secret Service hearing)

Or
Research one of the more obscure VP’s on the list, make a cake with his name on it and share the cake and your new found information with friends.

Or
Take a hot and refreshing Bubble Bath, it is been a long week you deserve it.

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Johann Sebastian Bach

 

Johann Sebastian Bach

Composer, Organist, Lutheran Saint

Bach was the last great, the greatest, Baroque composer. During his life Baroque music was becoming passe and  Classical music was becoming the rage. While he was admired in his time for being a great musician his work as a composer was under appreciated. Mozart and Beethoven would praise him and admit to being influenced. His popularity waxed many years after his death in a fit of nostalgia during the early 1800’s,  Baroque music was cool again and Bach was found to be the best. Another factor that lead to emergence and rediscovery was the Lutheran Church.  He wrote many hymns and chorals for the Lutheran Church in his lifetime. As the Lutheran church grew and expanded to the new world, his work, having secured a place in their hymnals, was taken  to new horizons as well. Also, contributing to his popularity is his large body of work which includes music for weddings, Halloween, and quiet afternoon parties with that punch made out of rainbow sherbet.  NASA put golden records of  Bach music aboard the Voyager probes hoping when our future alien overlords find them they will have mercy on us based on their appreciation of a good concerto.

Well done internet

I will not do a Baroque pun.

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