Neils Bohr

Neils Bohr

Nobel Prize Recipient, Great at physics and Horrible at Geopolitics, Great Dane

In 1913 he published his book on atomic theory which introduced the  model of atomic structure where electons in set orbits  revolve around a nucleus of protons and neutrons. This also includes the theory that electrons when dropping from higher orbits to lower orbits release  a quantum of energy , this lead to modern quantum theory

He worked with the British on Tube Alloys and by extension the Manhattan Project in developing atomic weaponry. Where he often insisted that Soviet scientists be included on the findings  of these projects, which  lead to Winston Churchill (another wfg) considering him a security threat.

Element 113 on the periodic table is named for him. I named my stuffed plesiosaur after him.

Living most of his life in Copenhagen, he is the third most famous Dane, following Hamlet and  Marmaduke

While his contributions to physics were innovative and  the basis for modern  physics.  He held to the common fallacy that peace can be achieved by giving evil the means to destroy you.

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Have you ever considered making a career by selling overpriced baubles to the senile? Then I have a White Fat Guy for you!

Tom Bosely

Actor, Spokesman

Bosley is well known for his role as the father on Happy Days. He went on to be the ineffective sheriff on Murder She Wrote, then  played the titular crime solving priest in the Father Dowling Mysteries which was originally going to be based on The Father Brown Mysteries by (white fat guy) G.K. Chesterton but that was too sophisticated and expensive for ABC.  He is also famous for his voice work often playing expressive fatherly figures. Tom Bosley also likes money, so he will sell you Glad Bags, Spam, Ant traps or “specialty merchandise”.   While TV Land or Nick at Nite has stopped playing Happy Days, and the PAX network has stopped playing Father Dowling but you can still watch  him in his Infomercials at 4 am on FOX.

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John Newton

John Newton

Anglican Priest, Hymn Writer, Slave Ship Captain, Abolitionist

Conscripted in His Majesty Navy at a young age,  serving frequently on slaves ships until he suffered a stroke and retired.  Newton was born again half way through his career, he immediately gave up drinking and gambling and later in life he teamed with William Wilbourforce to end the slave trade. He also teamed up with William Cowper to write hymns. His most significant contribution was a hymn he titled Faith’s Review and Expectation or commonly know as Amazing Grace. Amazing Grace has been recorded by more artists than any other song.

AMAZING grace! (how sweet the sound!)
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils, and snares,
I have already come;
‘Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

This earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be for ever mine.

Please note that the verse “when we’ve been there Ten Thousand years” is not in there, because John Newton  didn’t write that, and it is stupid, so stop singing it. Sing “This Earth will dissolve like snow”one,  it is much cooler. John Newton was right about slavery, and he is right about what words should be in his song.

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William Randoph Hearst

William Randolph Hearst

Newspaper tycoon, Oligarch, Avid Sledder

Hearst is responsible for two of the greatest movies of all time.

Citizen Kane is based on his life.

West Side Story:  Hearst stirred up public opinion and drove America into the Spanish American War. America won the war making  Puerto Rico  a territory of the United States thus making The Sharks US citizens allowing them to freely move to New York and fight The Jets.

He also killed a guy.

Famous Quotes:

“News is something somebody doesn’t want printed; all else is advertising.”

“Charleston! Charleston!”

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Andy Richter

Andy Richter

A white fat pawn  in the game of corporate media.

Every white fat guy’s dream  is to sit on the couch at the Tonight Show making sound effects and saying one terrific one-liner a night, while the host of the show introduces you to the coolest people in Hollywood and supports your drinking problem.

Andy lived the dream for 7 months, filling the shoes left empty by Ed MacMahon (may he rest in peace) for 20 years. But that all ended when someone started whining and destroyed the Eden Regained because he came up with more questions to ask stupid people.

Fortunately for Andy, Conan O’Brien still thinks he is funny hopefully he will produce another sitcom for him, or at least give us the resolution to “Andy Richter Controls the Universe” with a full length movie.

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WFGH It reminds me of something that happen during Jean Shepherd’s childhood.

Before there was Lake Woebegone there was Hammond, Indiana.

Today we honor  Jean Shepard

Humorist, Radio racounter, Night person.

“Shep” hosted a late night radio program for over twenty years, this was back in a better day when the broadcast catered to the sleepless. Steve Allen suggested he replace him as host of the Tonight Show, but the network thought he was too unconventional for television so the job went to Jack Parr. (again this was a better day when people quit hosting The Tonight Show they moved on with their lives and stopped bothering people). He also wrote for Playboy magazine (You see mom,  I told you there were articles in it.) and eventually wrote a collection of stories entitled  “In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash”. Many of these stories were semi-autobiographical reflections on growing up in an Indiana Steel Town. These  stories lead to the classic movie “A Christmas Story” which he also narrated.

To celebrate this great artist buy someone you love a BB gun, and stay up til 4 am telling people almost true stories about your childhood.

For you Christmas Story Fans may I recommend :  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK9cIxM4-SU&annotation_id=annotation_162304&feature=iv (there is a rather long introduction)

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April 2, 2010 : Christopher Hewett

Christopher “Brocktune” Hewett
The Guy who played Mr. Belvedere

Now I could go on a long rant about how Mr. Belvedere is the singular greatest accomplishment of mankind in the past 50 years, but the I would be preaching to the choir now wouldn’t I? Or explain at length how the most treasured of my few possessions my very own lamp like Mr. Belvedere had, but I will spare you that as well.

Today, we will discuss a far more important matter: how 1968’s The Producers was far better than 2005’s The Producers and the answer is simply Christopher Hewett. The role of Roger DeBris, the homosexual broadway producer, Hewett played DeBris perfectly, while in the modern version Gary Beach was over-the-top, and this is an understatement. The 2005 version itself is over-the-top in general and I am well aware that stage-to-screen transitions are rarely smooth. The original was quirky and played like a very well told joke building to a great punchline, The 2005 version showed its hand too quickly and much of the humor is more easily reached if you watched the original, because in many was Mel Brooks has just become a parody of himself. So, if you have no idea what i am talking about please watch 1968’s The Producers starring White Fat Guy Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder, then enjoy the modern version with Nathan Lane and Mr. Sara Jessica Parker, then you will understand not only what i am talking about, but also the universe as a whole.

Celebrate today by preparing a simple meal for Brocktune, not by cutting him and tearing the flesh and wearing the flesh, to be born into new worlds where his flesh becomes your key. And, visit your local library and return you library books ask the Librarian if the have any copies of old Mr. Belvedere episodes, if she says, “No”. Then reply ” maybe they are behind the counter” then wink twice and say “I’ll meet you out back.” and wink again.

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April 1, 2010 : Saint Thomas Aquinas

Saint Thomas Aquinas

Philosopher, Theologian, Monk, Author, Fat guy.

St. Tom was the greatest philosopher ever.  Recently, smaller, less educated people are all big fans of Betrand Russell claiming he is better than St. Tom. But if you lay out the fact next to fact it is really quite evident that St. Tom wins.

Battle 1: Honorifics

Thomas Aquinas is a Saint. Russell was a Nobel laureate.   You have to die to be a Saint, you have to have your book translated into Norwegian to win a Nobel Prize in Literature. Advantage Tom!

Battle 2. Books: St. Tom wrote Suma Theologica. Rusell wrote   History of Western Philosophy and Its Connection with Political and Social Circumstances from the Earliest Times to the Present Day. Snappier title advantage Tom!

Battle 3. Diet. If egg and onion sandwiches existed in the dark ages  St.  Tom would eaten 5 a day with an ice-cold root beer. Russell lived in a modern utopia where egg an onion sandwiches abounded yet he ate them rarely, and probably didn’t even like Root beer. Advantage Tom!

Battle 4. Pascal’s wager. St. Thomas was a monk and proved the existence of God. Russell was Welsh and denied the existence of God.  St. Thomas Aquinas is probably in Heaven trying to persuade the “unmoved mover” to keep Hills on the air, and Russell is definitely not. Advantage Tom!

Battle 5. Nicknames.  St. Tom was called “The Ox” by his friends and rivals. Russell is known by pretty much every one as “Ol’ Pencil-necked Bertie”. Advantage The OX!

Battle 6.  Legacy. Russell died of the flu and the next day they published his last formal statement speaking out against Zionism. St. Tom got became very ill after an unfortunate donkey ride and died, the next day it took 6 strong men to carry his giant body down the stairs. Advantage Tom!

Obviously, St. Thomas Aquinas was a much better philosopher than Ol’ Pencil-necked Bertie.

To celebrate him enjoy an egg and onion sandwich.

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